A Strange Sadness…

“You really can’t go home again. Sometimes, that’s a good thing. Sometimes, when you try, you find out that home isn’t really there anymore…
Sometimes, that’s the best thing of all.” ~ Mira Grant

As I sat this morning with my tea and glanced toward the open atlas as it laid on the table, a strange kind of wistfulness washed over me. Though this Journey, this Ride, has always been about walking with and sharing a snippet of the lives of other people, it has also become about the changes in me. I expected some, but others I did not. Some came charging through the doors in riotous “ah-ha!” moments, while others crept in like the proverbial cat paws on snow … leaving nary a trace … only realizing later they’ve curled up on my lap and made themselves at home in my soul. Such was the one that brought a reflective smile and bit of poignancy to heart today.atlas coffee cupFive months ago, on this day, I stepped into my car and left Upstate NY with barely a raw idea of where this road would lead me. Thirteen years ago – minus 5 days – I stepped out of my car in Waterloo, NY, having finally fulfilled a 40 year dream of moving to a place I considered “home.” A scattered background and non-existent family left me emotionally homeless, and NY was a place where, for a number of reasons, I felt a part of. It was where generations of long-past relatives had lived and died, and a place where I found peace and contentment. A place I thought I’d never leave.

In the last five months, I’ve covered a lot of territory … I’ve driven through 22 states and stayed with 30 families. I’ve gone from pot-roast and potatoes to grits and cheese, to burritos to tofu and quinoa. I stood under palms in a tank top & flip-flops in Texas … and two weeks later, I was brushing snow off the car in Colorado. Where I once listened for bear and deer along a trail, I now keep wary of rattlesnakes and cougar. And shake out my shoes every morning as I get dressed. In these short five months, so very much has changed … all that I see and hear, all that I touch and taste and smell. And I have changed.

I walk slower now. I smile more and worry less. I am softer, and my emotions are growing freer. I live now with the deep understanding that no one really knows what tomorrow will bring, and today is truly the only gift we have.

And something else changed … as I look at the map, the place I once called home seems so very far away – not in distance, but rather, in time and space. I am not the same person I was when I left and I find myself growing more and more ‘at home’ here, miles west of the great Mississippi, among the big skies and soaring mountains and sweeping canyons of the west. I once said that my heart would forever belong in New York state, but now that seems like a lifetime ago – perhaps iGeneva bencht was. And as I page through old photos, remembering the lake I walked by and the favorite bench I sat on, a sort of wistfulness sweeps over me … yes, I know I can always go back when this grand Ride finally reaches it’s conclusion, but I doubt now that it will ever truly be “home” again. You see, it was someone else who lived there. I have also said that I’ve no idea where this journey will take me, or where or when it will end. That, I still know to be true.

There is so much more that yet lies ahead….

 

Advertisements

10 thoughts on “A Strange Sadness…

  1. looking for a home inside leads us on a great adventure. no matter the place or time it all stops in peace where you started. like a gentle hand that’s holding yours every step of the way, all of life is saying ‘yes – do this, explore, find, experience. no reason needed ❤

    Like

  2. I so admire you…But you know that. Enjoy every minut and this feelings you have…I have always when Im in America. Always hard to leave but have to.Bon Voyage. Soar with the Eagle Walk with the Wolf. Xxxxx

    Like

  3. Are you in Santa Fe? Are you liking it? Its a whole fifferent element. I do hope you go through AZ. It is such a beautiful state! Especially Sedona and the Grand Canyon. You want to tw the earth these are the places to do it! Hope we see you. I do have asthma so cant be around colognes or animal hair. But shouldnt be a problem. Can wash here. I think we are only 8 hours. Id love to come there. Is it cold?

    Like

    • Thank you, Susan … I’m working on it! More a matter of finances … gas and such. But, we shall see. This journey will be as it is supposed to be, and I will go where the road leads. I’ll be in touch soon, promise! Peace to you for your day. 🙂

      Like

  4. Your last comment ‘There is so much more that lies ahead’ it may be cliche but I was taken back to the deck of the Enterprise where their 5 year mission was to BOLDLY go where no person has gone before. I think that could happen in the Sangre de Christo range.

    Like

  5. Just know my wonderfilled sister that I love you, We Love you and miss you. But know this I’m certain our paths will cross against. It’s meant to be!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s