“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.” ~ Rainer Maria Rilke
Today as I sit gazing at the early summer green, listening to the cheery melodies of the songbirds and the grrrawking of the ravens in the distance, a certain knowing also sits with me … the understanding that in 23 days my life will change forever in ways that I cannot yet even begin to fathom. Even now, before I leave, the changes have begun. I walk into empty rooms now – rooms no longer filled with the things that had become “me” along the way. Walls are naked, save for the scattering of banal Monet and Renoir prints left for new owners. Closets are stripped of all but the necessary things to clothe me until the morning I back down that long driveway one last time … the rest, now reduced to a few boxes and piles on the kitchen table. Shelves that once held hundreds of loved and well-used books now stand naked and hungry. Extra brushes and combs, baskets of escess makeup, dishes of cheap jewelry – and the eternally girlish myriad of nail polish and shoes – gone. The drawers & caddies that held them all, waiting to be filled by someone new. Snippets and pieces of what “defined” me, gone. I, too, now stand naked before the world … I stand before a journey that will take me to places I’ve never known, both physically and psychologically, no doubt. It has already been an amazing psychological journey … and without question, at the end of it all, I will not be the same person as I am today. It is daunting, once again I won’t deny that … but it is also incredibly exciting and beautifully virginal. In 23 days I will, in essence, be giving myself to the world … to a world filled with soul and spirit, to a journey of ineffable scope, to an unknown of unknowable questions. And to the people I meet along the way.
As I sit now in these last 23 days, silently musing on all that is yet to come, I smile with the understanding that I don’t need to know the answers … they will come in time – perhaps a very long time, I do not know – but the will come. Until then, I’ll dance in the music of those questions, allowing them to take me where they will, knowing that in the end neither the questions nor the answers really mean anything …. it is only the dance – the living – of them that does.
Yes, I am waxing a bit philosophical today, I admit. But that happens when one realizes that they have been given the opportunity to strip away all of the gunk and crust … and, with a bit of courage, take the chance on staring into the blank space of all that is yet to come. And I welcome it with open arms.